Monday, 22 May 2006


Surah 130: The Caliph


A week passed, a laden caravan arriving at Mecca, providing the Muslims with what they needed most: decent food, instead of the bitter flesh of vermin. Goats, grain and camels were offered, Abu Bakr dealing with the merchants directly, paying them from a box of precious metal originally stolen from Sabri the Merchant.
The nearly starving Muslims gorging themselves on the bounty of Allah under a full moon, Abu, drinking wine, conversed with the merchant Ghanim into the night, asking of news from the lands surrounding Mecca.
"Business hasn’t been what we expected," answered a frowning Ghanim, having come from afar, "Many of the villages near here are deserted, rotting bodies litter the streets; Medina is empty, all of the people are dead. My cousin Bashir is a gifted seer, and says roving bandits led by an evil jinn caused the carnage."
"Is that so?" replied Abu, feeling guilty, knowing personally that the army of Islam, led by the deranged Prophet Muhammad, had slaughtered the innocent victims.
The caravan departed several days later; having secured his authority over the Muslims, as the first Caliph of Islam, Abu ordered Mecca purified, including the grounds of the defiled Kaaba, the evil demon of the Prophet trapped therein. Rotting garbage, bones and the bodies of infidels were dumped outside the gates of Mecca, covering the decaying, silk robed carcass of Muhammad in the filth that he had loved.
Establishing another pillar of Islam, for a fortnight the followers were ordered to march around the Kaaba, throwing pebbles at it to drive out the Prophet’s demon.
"Why are they doing this Abu?" asked a confused Zubair, watching as the Muslims continued to circumambulate the Kaaba. "If Muhammad truly was a demon or jinn in man’s guise, surely throwing little stones at a building will not harm him."
"It is a ritual to cleanse the Holy Kaaba, the rejection of Muhammad’s capricious demon is a rejection of Shaitan," answered Abu, a true believer in Islam.
"Who is Shaitan?"
"Another demon of the underworld, very powerful, he is king of all jinns."
A cynical Zubair sighed and let the subject drop, trudging off to find strong wine and the favours of harlots.
Later that evening, fulfilling the will of Allah, Abu Bakr again came unto his daughter Ayesha. Sitting on the side of the bed after withdrawing from her, Ayesha asked coyly, "I am now a widow my father; since Muhammad and my stepmother are dead, and you have no other wife, will you not wed me?"
"Uh, I will have to consider your words, child," replied Abu, shocked at her incestuous proposal.
"We do need to have our baby, my father, is not marriage proper for the mother of your unborn child Fatima?" asked a smiling Ayesha, refusing to cover her nudity.
A silent Abu left the bedroom, needing strong drink to grapple with the dark thought that he may be affected by a demon for desiring his own daughter. Coming upon the Nubian siren Sheba, he ordered, "Bring me a bottle."
Obeying, Sheba brought the first Caliph of Islam strong wine, in which Abu imbibed deeply, becoming very drunk, the harlot bringing him another bottle over the next hour. Shunned by the Prophet in his last days and needing the touch of a man, sitting beside Abu, she asked, "Since the wicked Muhammad is dead, do you wish to indulge in my favours?"
"I need to think about Ayesha," replied a somber Abu, distraught over the marriage proposal of his comely daughter.
Jealous of Ayesha, the harlot Sheba had enjoyed being the wife of a powerful man, she wishing to become the wife of the Holy Caliph. "Do you not find me attractive Abu?" she asked, baring her breasts and body before him, running a slender finger down his face.
"Not particularly harlot, be gone from my presence and tend to the needs of my house for your board, I’ve no desire to know the likes of you," he slurred, an insulted, livid Sheba feeling he was treating her like a common slave.
"How dare you say such to me, you’re nothing but an addled drunk like Muhammad was!" she exclaimed, covering her nudity and withdrawing from him.
"Shut your mouth harlot, it is not your place to admonish me in my own house!"
"Your house? A house stolen from an infidel that you murdered? I was the honoured wife of a great Prophet; I will not be relegated to a second position in your home!"
"Then leave my stolen house and fend for yourself in the streets as you did at the oasis," retorted Abu in disgust, "There are many others of your kind in Mecca, much cleaner and comelier I might add, and without the vicious mouth of a serpent!"
"If I leave here, I will tell all I encounter that you are affected by a demon; that you have the same afflictions as Muhammad did!"
"What are you saying to me harlot?" sneered Abu, putting down an empty bottle.
"You’re not only a drunk, you are as perverse as the Prophet was; you lust for your daughter in bed you filthy pig, shunning my favours in preference of hers: I’m a woman you twisted deviate, not a child that you rape!"
"Whore, you have earned this!" yelled an enraged Abu, rising and smiting Sheba hard upon her face with a closed fist. Her neck shattered from the powerful blow, the Nubian harlot fell to the floor, dead at his feet, the deed done.
"That shuts her up," declared Caliph Abu with a satisfied smile, staggering downstairs to a wine cellar for more strong drink. There he drank himself into unconsciousness upon the stunning realisation that Allah on high had betrothed him, long before he met Prophet Muhammad, to his own daughter.
His wives Umm and Fahimah had fell before her, his comely and enticing daughter Ayesha; she who had sprung from his loins, and borne in pain by Umm eight years earlier, chosen by Allah to bear his daughter Fatima.
Abu woke in the cellar near noon, his head pounding, feeling guilty for killing Sheba, but having accepted that it was Allah’s will for him to marry his daughter and make her with child.
The body of Sheba was removed from Abu’s house that afternoon and buried in a somber funeral ceremony in the sands just east of the garbage dump. A subdued Abu gave a long sermon over her remains, repenting before Allah and his Muslim followers that he had killed her in drunken anger.
"Hell, Sheba was an ugly bitch anyway, I don’t know what Muhammad saw in her," observed Zubair bluntly, watching the proceedings from his tent with an empty bottle in his hand. Lieutenant Jabbar and a drunken cadre of infidels laughed loudly at Zubair’s crude remarks, a helpless Abu and the funeral attendees frowning at their callous laughter.
Abu, still feeling guilty after the funeral for his drunken murder of the Nubian harlot, on that day swore before Allah and his fellows to never again touch wine, declaring that all true Muslims should forever abstain from the deleterious effects of alcohol. Upon hearing those words, many followers, including Zaid, the comely young manslave of Muhammad, and Abbud, chosen of the Prophet, reconsidered their embracement of Islam and recanted, moving outside the gates of Mecca. There, they and others resumed drinking strong wine in excess, welcomed with open arms by the uncaring, infidel freebooters, all outside the gates delighting in revelry and lasciviousness.
The following morning, on orders of Abu Bakr the Caliph, the Holy Kaaba was reopened, Prophet Muhammad’s demon having been exorcised by the devoted followers.
To prevent his evil demon from ever returning to Mecca, the black stone of Pig Allah was hauled from the Kaaba by a team of followers and destroyed outside the gates. The shattered remains of the boulder were buried in the garbage dump, cubits above the evil, rotting remains of Prophet Muhammad, a demonic smile still on his decaying face, his vileness interred beneath garbage, camel bones, and the bodies of infidels; his grave covered by the shattered black stones.
Mecca purified, it was time for the true believers of Islam to be cleansed and purified of the evil, corrupting force of Prophet Muhammad. Meditating in silence away from his followers, Abu attempted to discern what Allah wanted of the Muslims and how to keep them on the path of light and righteousness. Pondering the subject, Abu determined that wine and all he was forced to eat by the Prophet was haram, along with pigs, not wanting his followers to be reminded of the heresy of Pig Allah and his heavenly hogs.
Still pondering the beginnings of Islamic doctrine, a troubled Abu decided to consult with Zubair and Jabbar, whom he respected, even as infidels.
"Why are you asking us for advice?" asked Zubair, chuckling at Abu’s words. "We’re not Muslim and never will be; for us, everything is halal."
"You may be able to help in my time of need, I need to establish a firm moral base for the followers, so they will walk upon the path of righteousness before Allah."
"Morals, such rules are for those who live high on a camel, they needn’t worry of survival," observed Jabbar, picking his teeth with a dagger.
"That is the truth," agreed a smiling Zubair, reaching for a bottle.
"Perhaps," admitted Abu, "But I have determined through prayer and reflection that Allah does not want his followers to consume wine, nor does he want them to dine on pigs, dogs or the bitter flesh of vermin."
"Really Abu, you should ask someone else. I love wine, and if I’m hungry, I’ll eat practically anything, including dogs," replied Zubair, "I enjoy rat flesh and swine too; hell, I’d even eat people if I had to."
"You would consume the sacred flesh of people?" asked Abu, shocked at his blunt remarks.
"Why not, vultures and jackals eat such when they’re hungry, what’s so damn different about us?" retorted Zubair.
"I don’t know about you Abu, but I like eating pork and getting drunk, I guess I wouldn’t make a very good Muslim," said Jabbar, breaking into laughter at the pious Abu’s words.
"You think Islam is funny?" asked a frowning Abu, staring at the amoral freebooters.
"Not really, but it’s not for those like us. So make whatever you like haram; just don’t try to force Islam on us, otherwise, you and yours will face dire consequences, from me," answered Zubair bluntly, looking Abu in the eyes.
"Of course," answered Abu, moving his gaze to the floor of Zubair’s tent.
A somber Abu returned to his house, sadly realising that he would have to forge Islamic doctrine without the assistance of others. Prostrating himself on a rug for many hours, he faced the Holy Kaaba and prayed to Allah for guidance. Believing he had received a revelation, near dusk he rose and gave another sermon before the Kaaba, telling his devoted followers that they should never touch wine or the bitter flesh of vermin.
Introducing his version of Islam, on the following day, the apostate cult of Pig Allah and his sacred, heavenly hogs was officially banished by Caliph Abu; all they were forced to eat by the Prophet, including dogs and pigs, now considered haram.
A fortnight later, in atonement for his fornication with her, Abu and Ayesha were married before the inhabitants of Mecca, at the Holy Kaaba, devoted followers and the freebooters invited to attend the solemn ceremony of his foreordained union with his daughter.
"At least Abu’s not as twisted as Muhammad was, he’s only a paedophile," observed a smiling Jabbar, he, Zubair and other freebooters returning to their tents for strong wine and the favours of harlots.
"No, but a drunken sex orgy to celebrate their marriage would have been nice," replied the amoral Zubair, laughing as he entered his tent with a comely, dark eyed siren.
Over time, Caliph Abu, wishing to absolve himself of his guilt, established the five pillars of Islam, further refining Muslim doctrine. Remembering his good wife Fahimah, Abu adopted her moon god as the personage of Allah, the crescent and star becoming the symbol of Islam on his order. Outside the city, he reverently showed the devoted followers how to pray to Allah, facing Mecca in remembrance of the horrors of the demonic Prophet Muhammad.
Growing restless, as Mecca had changed for the worse, Zubair informed Abu that they were leaving the city in search of adventure and profit. Wine was running low, and as of late, the devout had been attempting to convert infidels outside the gates. One zealous follower, a dark harbinger of the Muslim faith, had beaten manslave Zaid to death with his fists for his refusal to embrace Islam, the fact of Zaid having propositioned him beforehand considered mitigating circumstances by Caliph Abu.
"You will not remain, submit, and become our Muslim brothers?" asked Abu, still hoping to convert Zubair and the freebooters.
"No, never will I embrace Islam, such a parochial viewpoint is much too narrow," replied Zubair with firm resolve.
"But why will you not submit to Allah?"
Zubair took a deep drink of wine, and said, "Look Abu, if there is a god, Allah or whatever, it will do as it pleases with us, we can do nothing to change that, and by our very actions we are fulfilling his wishes."
"Interesting, I never looked at it that way," replied Abu.
"It all depends on one’s point of view, doesn’t it?" asked Zubair; frowning for a moment and releasing foul gas from his posterior.
"Yes, it does," answered a wise Abu, receding from the tent while nodding in agreement with infidel Zubair.
Hearing news of the departure of the freebooters, devout Muslims petitioned Abu, the first Caliph, to send them abroad in the world with them to spread the doctrines of Islam and the love of Allah.
"I will take it up with Zubair," said Abu, meeting with them in his house. Again consulting the freebooter, Abu and Zubair conversed about taking Muslim missionaries with them.
"Sure, I don’t care, just pay me not to kill them should they annoy me with your Islam," Zubair retorted with a wicked grin.
Abu sighed, and agreed. To the loyal freebooters Zubair and Jabbar he gave gold, silver, and costly spices, allowing them to carry off the last of strong drink and the comely harlots of Mecca. At the gates, Abu, the first Caliph of Mecca, consecrated their holy mission with a sermon, a prayer and the giving of a banner his wife Fahimah had made, showing the crescent moon and star. "You are now warriors for Islam, believers or not," he declared, "You will guard our caravans and those who go out from Mecca to spread the word of Allah."
"Why not," said a shrugging Zubair, his swarthy lieutenant Jabbar at his side.
Charged by the Caliph, they, like Muhammad’s second army, left the Holy City of Mecca, rampaging, pillaging and plundering across Arabia in the name of Allah.

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